I'm pretty much the equivalent of winning the wife lottery.... except for when I'm pregnant.

You guys, can I be complete candid right now (of course I can, it’s my blog). I am a freaking joy to be married to. I am super fun, I keep a clean house, I nurture and love our daughter like I’ve been mothering my whole life, I make sure Karl has all his favorite snacks when he gets home, I do laundry without complaining, I know how to make food (I could work on this a little harder but we never starve), I have our family on a budget and I make sure to always put extra money aside for stuff like Karl’s video games, I plan fun outings for us…. I’m pretty much the equivalent of winning the wife lottery. 

All these things are true 98% of the time, expect for when I’m pregnant. When I’m pregnant I’m pretty much the worst person in the whole world. I’ve talked about this before but let me just say it again, I’m not good at being pregnant. My emotions are all over the place and things have gotten worse with this second pregnancy. 

Here’s a little story, I found a picture that I wanted to hang up a few days ago. I found the right frame, I spray painted it to match the room, I got some nails and then I went looking for my hammer. I have a small lady’s tool set that I got a few years ago for Christmas (it took me writing this blog to make me realize how sexist these are…) anyway, Karl uses them more than I do. Whenever I try to look for them THEY ARE NEVER WHERE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE. I went out to the garage to look for them and (no surprise) they weren’t there. I called Karl

Me: “WHERE ARE MY TOOLS?!?!?!”

Karl: “In the garage”

Me: “No, they aren’t! I went out there and looked twice and I DIDN’T SEE THEM!!!!!!”

Karl (in a stern voice): “Listen, you need to calm down, go outside and look again!” 

      side note: I don’t respond well when Karl talks stern to me. I’m the serious one in  

      our relationship and he’s the calm, laid back, funny, nothing bothers me, everything 

      will be okay one. I do not like when these rolls get reversed! 

Me: I lost my freaking mind. I can’t even type the first couple of things I said to him out of pure shame. “….. don’t you EVER talk to me like that again. You’re not my freaking dad!!!!”

Karl: “I’m going to let you go. You are obviously going through something right now. I’ll call you back later.”

Me: "Whatever!”

I hang up the phone and go back out to the garage. I open the same cabinet I looked in twice and I’ll be damn… guess what was there… my tool bag. I bet you’re thinking, “Wow, I bet you felt really bad.” No. No, I didn’t. 

I then went and hung up the picture and it looked perfect. Karl called me back about 20 minutes later. 

Karl: “Did you find your tool bag?”

Me (matter-of-factly): “I sure did.”

Karl: “Where were they?”

Me: “IN THE LAUNDRY ROOM!”

Karl: “Well I don’t know how they got there.”

Me: “ME EITHER!”

This lie came to me so quickly, I didn’t even feel bad about telling it. I never lie to Karl but for some reason I felt completely justified. The reason I felt justified is because pregnancy makes you crazy! 

But now three weeks later, I’m starting to feel a little bad about it. So I want to apologize to my wonderful Husband for being absolutely insane. You’re amazing and I’m sorry I take out my irrational feelings on you. I’m almost through this pregnancy so there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your fun wife will be back one day. Let’s make a deal. You quit getting me pregnant and I’ll quit being insane. Sounds like a plan. 

Karl admiring the assets of his awesome wife. 

Jesus Take the Wheel

I feel like they should let mothers with toddlers do PSAs for young woman about the dangers of having children. Today, would be the perfect birth control for anyone thinking “Oh I want a cute little baby to snuggle and dress up.”  

Huxley and I have been having a pretty crappy few weeks. I have come to the point in my pregnancy where I have serious pregnancy insomnia. Last night, I couldn’t go to bed until 10:30. I woke up at 1:30 to pee and couldn’t go back to sleep until 4:30. At 5:30, I was woken up by Huxley screaming in her room. In my exhaustion, I throw her in our bed where she takes up the majority of the bed, leaving me hanging off the side. I wake up at 10 feeling like I got no sleep. We were headed out to Lowe’s at around noon but when I was getting dressed I laid on the bed and thought, “God, I’m just too tired to move. Give me strength.” Huxley thought we were playing a game so she kept running around both sides of the bed to try and get to me. I went to put Huxley’s shoes on and she is exhausted too. I decide we both need a nap. Two and a half hours later we try again. 

We’ve been going to Lowe’s a lot lately because I’m trying to pick out the perfect color for LC’s room. They have a huge display of halloween inflatables that Huck loves. We take our time looking at each one but she is not impressed today because she sees another little girl running around the store with her grandmother and she wants to follow them. Thankfully, they where headed over by the paint. As soon as we get there Huck looses her freaking mind. I quickly hand her approximately 50 of those color swatch papers to try and distract her. It doesn’t  work. With all the screaming I realize that she has cut her 5th and 6th tooth. I have a mixed reaction over this revelation. On the one hand I’m thinking,  “Praise the Lord. Maybe this is why she’s been getting up at night” and on the other hand I’m thinking, “I’m a horrible mother! My baby has been in pain for weeks now and haven’t done anything to give her relief.” I decide to chalk it up to the fact that she should have said something. I know she can’t talk but damn, I can’t read minds. My mom shows up after getting off from work and takes her to the Halloween stuff while I finish shopping. 

We head to Target because I have a few things I have to get. Huck is not having it. She likes to walk but all of a sudden today she decided if things aren’t going the way she wants she’s going to sit down on the floor. AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!! I’m 24 weeks pregnant, my back hurts, I have sciatica. I don’t want to bend down to pick up a $5 bill much less wrestle a 14 month old off the floor at Target. So she has to stay in the buggy. I’m not proud of this but I knew I could brib her with an icee. Unfortunately, she hasn’t learned how to share so every time I take a drink she looses her mind like I slapped her. I should have taken a picture of how she looked in the buggy slumped over to the side, drinking a blue icee with blue all over her face. It was a ridiculous sight. Eventually, I had to hide the icee in the buggy. The easiest way to shop with Huxley is to distract her with everything I’m putting in our cart. I hand it to her, she looks at it for a while, and then throws it in the back.  We finish up at Target (not because I think I have everything but because my back hurts and she’s getting restless). 

As we drive home, I hear something that sounds like two pieces of plastic hitting each other. I turn around and Huxley has unscrewed the lid off of her sippy cup and pour out the contents all over herself. She looks like the winning Quarterback in the Super Bowel who has had gatorade poured on him by his teammates. I strip her down in the garage and clean up the carseat. I take her inside to take a bath. She makes this weird grunting sound when I’m running the water and she’s pooped. I cut off the water and change her diaper. I don’t put another one on her because I’m about to give her a bath. She runs around the living room and kitchen naked while I throw the diaper away and start more bath water. We get done with her bath and I’m cleaning up the living room when I spot it. At first, I think I’m hallucinating. I turn on every light in the house to get a better look. Sure enough my suspicions are correct. In the 45 seconds she didn’t have a diaper on, Huxley pooped and peed on the floor. Thank God, we don’t have carpet in the living room. If we did, I would have just burnt the house down. It seems like the easiest of all the solutions. 

I put Huxley to bed, watch some TV in our room, and then go to take a bath. As soon as I get in the water with my Bath and Body Works aroma therapy bubble bath, my candles are lit and then I hear it…. screaming. All I can think is ....

Momma

So I started this out as a really long Facebook wall post then I thought, "This is too long and not everyone one wants to read about my weekend puking and pooping all over the house. I should move it to my blog." But then I something weird happened... I couldn't find my blog. It's been so long since I've written anything that I forgot my blog address. I had to go back through my facebook searching for it. I then realized how hilarious my first pregnancy was and it made me sad for Langley and my second pregnancy. Who knew that passing a 6lb 4oz football out of your vagina could completely suck all the funny right out of you?!?!?! A little heads up would have been nice.
So my vow for the second half of this pregnancy is to find the humor in everything and then blog about it, for Langley. In the meantime, here is the post for my mom (warning, this is not funny).

I would like to just take a moment to thank my mom for being so wonderful. Not just because she dressed me in this awesome bonnet back in 1986 but because she wasted the past three days taking care of me, Huxley, and Langley.
I started not feeling well Thursday night and after I put Huxley to when to take a bath. I was relaxing in the water one minute and the next I was puking in my own bathwater. Talk about disgusting. You have never seen a pregnant, fat girl move faster then when puke is invading her bathwater. I texted my mom and my sister to tell them because we are all in a constant, 24/7, 365 group text where we share everything- at least I share everything. My mom said to call if I needed anything during the night. I said to just pray it was a one time thing and that Huxley sleeps 14 hours like she has been. Well of course things can never go my way. Huxley wakes up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. I go to her room in just enough time to pick her up and realize I need to throw up again. We run into the hall bathroom where I sit on the toilet, grab the trashcan, and place Huggles on the floor. We are both a screaming crying mess. I call my mom and she's over in record time trying to put Huxley back to bed.

She finally comes and lays down with me (of course Karl can never be at home when stuff like this goes down). I proceed to puke more and more throughout the night. I get worried for multiple reasons. I went to the my midwife on Thursday where she told me I was dehydrated and my amniotic fluid is low (with Huxley it was too high, why can my body not get it's act together). She said I needed to push fluids and make sure that I stay well hydrated. Also, I haven't felt the baby kick. At this point with Huxley, I had felt her and I know with the second one you're suppose to feel it sooner. We decide to go to the ER because I can put up with a lot but once you throw a helpless baby who depends on my into it, I need someone to reassure me that she's ok. Turns out I have some weird stomach flu/food poisoning thing. The baby is fine, I even felt her kick while laying on the stretcher at the hospital. They tell me to go home, take it easy and just try to focus on holding down fluids. We returned home where crap got real.

For the next 16 hours all I could do is lay in the bed in-between puking and pooping. I was so weak I couldn't even pick up Huxley (finally I had my mom put her in the bed with me so I could rub her hair while she drank some milk). My awesome mom got no sleep, took the day off from work, washed disgusting clothes, towels, bathroom rugs, and sheets all day long while she watched Huggles and took care of my every needed. Finally, late Friday night I stopped puking and was able to hold down a glass of water. My mom took Huxley to her house to let me recover in peace for the next two days. My mom is the BEST and I hope to be the same kind of mother to my girls as she is to me and my sister.

In closing, some old school Boys II Men