Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Daddy had to take one for the team.

This story is 100% real. Names have not been changes to protect the innocent. As a matter of fact, a picture has been posted at the bottom of the perpetrator. 

I don’t usually describe my passing of gas as a “fart.” A “fart” is what your husband does in the middle of the night which causes you to wake up in full panic mode because you think shots are being fired outside your house. I prefer to describe what I do in a much more lady like term such as “toot.” But lets be real, sometimes you have to call a spade a spade. 

My first trimester was plagued with gas.  I felt bloated all the time and it wasn’t uncommon for me to toot often. Occasionally, a toot would slip out without my consent. 

One night, Karl and I were at Walgreen’s. We are a typical old married couple and when he is home we live for Redbox movies. We slipped in the store to look for something to go along with our movie (I forget what) and somehow I got stuck on the Christmas aisle. It was a few weeks before Christmas and I was looking for some cute gift tags. Karl was a few feet away from me looking at something I’m sure we didn’t need. As I stood there it happened. I FARTED!!!!!!! This fart was so loud it was like I could see it form a cloud that went above my head then went out like a sonic boom. People all over the store, including the pharmacy, went temporarily deaf from the loudness of it. 

You might be thinking well it was Walgreen’s so I’m sure there weren’t that many people there but you are wrong! There were people all over the store to include a group of three women on THE SAME AISLE AS ME!!!! In my panic, I ran over to Karl and grabbed his arm. He was so engrossed in the “Forever Comfy” that he had heard nothing. 

Me: “I just farted over there!!!” (pointing to the scene of the crime)
Karl: “Ooook” (with a “no big deal” look on his face)
Me: “Do something!!!!”
Karl:  (In a loud, deep tone projecting his voice several aisles over) “EXCUSE ME!!! I’m sorry…..it’s my stomach…. it’s really messed up….”

And because when we Schlomers sell something, we really sell it, I responded with…

Me:  (Cutting my eyes in Karl’s direction with a disgusted look on my face) “You are so gross. I can’t take you anywhere. Let’s go.”

We left and got in the car where I tried to explain to Karl that it wasn’t me it was the baby. He didn’t real mind taking the blame. He was actually quite proud of himself for defending my honor. I have to admit I found it to be pretty dang chivalrous too. 

ATTENTION WALGREEN'S EMPLOYEES AND SHOPPER: This is the man who farted in your story. It was not the blond woman with him. She and the child she is carrying are completely innocent. The fart was probably in some way related to all this food he had at the Chinese Buffett.



My husband is by no means a perfect man but is sure is perfect for me. I love you, babe! 

No comments:

Post a Comment