My First Ultrasound/Free Colonoscopy

I hate going to the doctor. I mean HATE IT! The dentist, I love but anytime I have to go somewhere and they have to weigh me I feel anxious. Since Karl didn’t know I was pregnant (and he was out of town anyway) my mom accompanied me to my first ultrasound appointment. 

I was extremely nervous in the waiting room and they were running 30 minutes late which was not helping. Up until this point I wouldn't really let myself think about having a baby. I kept thinking I’m probably crazy and this is a phantom pregnancy. I’m going to go in there and the ultrasound tech will be like “This is a turd. You’re really constipated (which I was) take some milk of magnesia and work this out at home.” (As a nurse, I realize the human body doesn’t work this way but, as one of my instructors pointed out in OB clinicals, when it’s you and your baby all of your nursing knowledge goes out the window.) 

When they called me back I walked into a dim room with two ultrasound technicians. I could already tell the woman who was doing the ultrasound was a pill. In a hateful voice she said, “Get on the table and pull up your dress.” I was appalled. We aren’t even going to exchange pleasantries. No “Hi, my name is ____ and I’ll be showing you your baby today.” no “How is your day?” or “Are you excited?” NOTHING! I mean I wasn’t asking for dinner but come on! At this point I was still modest  (don’t worry that only last another few weeks) at my 16 week appointment, I saw a doctor because my midwife broke her wrist over Christmas and his nurse said would you mind if a student who’s shadowing the doctor comes in since you won’t have to be undressed too much. I said, “Oh sure, he can see this (panning my body up and down with both hands) naked, it’s no big deal.” Back to the original story, I slowly climbed onto the table and lifted my dress slightly over my belly button. She came over and ripped my underwear down to my pubic bone.  

I lied on the table quietly. Ms. Pill, having no social skills didn’t say a word to me; she just moved the ultrasound wand (I don’t know what it’s called) around on my stomach for a while. I know I have some fluff in my stomach region but she was pressing down so hard I knew she wasn’t just checking out my uterus. I concluded that she must also be checking my colon. I must have been the special 100^th patient who got a free colonoscopy with their ultrasound.  I dare not say anything about how hard she was pressing out of fear that she was going to beat me with the end of her wand then choke me out with the cord. 

Finally, I saw something on the television screen in front of me. To my shock it wasn’t a turd… but it did look a lot like a gummy bear. I didn’t remember the last time I had gummy bears. Did one get trapped in my uterus? I wasn’t sure. But then Ms. Pill said in a cold voice, “You have one viable fetus with a heartbeat.” She turned the sound on her machine and I was able to hear my angel’s heart beating for the first time. It was seriously the most magical moment of my life. In that very moment, my heart leaped out of my chest and I said to myself, “That’s my girl!”

 

Next time, I'll be talking about the time I farted in the middle of Walgreen's. This is my current go to funny story. Hopefully, that will be able to translate to a good laugh in the blogging world.